It’s true what you’ve heard, having a baby will cost you your past life. Your identity, your body, and any sense of control you thought you had over your life. Somedays, most days you will want to quit.
I thought life couldn't get worse than high school, then University happened. I thought my first job was the worst thing that ever happened until I got pregnant and found myself thrown into the abyss of matrescence.
Matrescence is the phase in which women transform into mothers. It starts during pregnancy and can last a lifetime. Just when I thought I had finally discovered myself after living through the ups and downs of my early twenties. I'm thrown into a rebirth that I wasn't aware I was going to go through.
I prepared myself as much as I could. I read many articles and posts. I watched videos to prepare for pregnancy and childbirth.My husband and I planned this pregnancy. We would talk about the new things the app would inform us about our baby. I had many talks with my family and received lots of advice.
However, minute one of the hospital stay I quickly realized that I wasn't prepared enough, or at all really.
I am a first-time mom and a worrier. Every terrible event that would pop into my head, would have me on Google researching the best tips and tricks. I was collecting all the knowledge I could for nine months. I needed to know everything at once. As I type this, I can vividly imagine myself during those times and feel the anxiety rise. Whew!
Being a first-time mom, or expecting your third, I just want to remind you that it will all fall apart the minute you get home. All the expectations you had and plans you made will fly out the window when the baby is on their fourth wake-up at 3 am.
And it's ok.
Remind your nervous system that it is simply a baby crying and not a bear trying to chase you.
Identity Loss
Finding my identity in motherhood was hard at first because I wanted the best of both worlds. Throughout my whole pregnancy, I had a stubborn thought that I was somehow going to conquer motherhood.
I was going to schedule my days in advance, stay on top of my to-do list, and complete all my routines.I figured it couldn't be harder than when I had to work and go to school full-time.
Oh, it was Navy Seal training hard. I mean I don't know but I've seen enough videos to see a clear comparison.
Think about it. You're not sleeping for consecutive days. Your body is broken and trying to heal all at the same time while trying to keep your comrades alive day and night.
Even if it's a planned pregnancy like mine, it will rock your world.
So, as much as I wanted to preserve the expectations I had of myself as a mother, I had to gently let her go.
This new phase in your life deserves a new version of you that you've never met.
The new you that is being born is intimidating; and sometimes might remind you of your mother or grandmother as much as you try to deny it. This new woman you are becoming will learn to trust her instincts. She will start to follow her gut and hear her inner voice.
That's when the true transformation begins. It starts when you realize you've never trusted yourself this much before.
It is not until now that you've gained a true sense of who you are. You are a beautiful magical being that can turn pain into beauty. A human being that can slow down time with a hug and a kiss. A being that can cultivate the love that she grows within herself.
Change of Body Image
Seeing my body change drastically over a short period and then not seeing it change back to its original form was honestly devastating.
My weight has fluctuated several times throughout my life. I was used to seeing my body change through exercise or lack of but in some way, I always had control over it.I knew what I needed to do to look fit but in pregnancy, I had to allow myself to give up all control.
While yes it is recommended to exercise and eat healthy during your pregnancy, your body will nevertheless change in many unusual ways.So it's okay to cry about how you feel about your new body.
You are grieving a past version of yourself.
A version maybe took many years to love and comprehend, that's why it hurts so much. I suggest you think of it as an opportunity to prove unconditional love to yourself by loving her for all that she is. Even if she looks and feels a little different.
Loss of Control
I feel like the term control freak doesn't define me well, but from time to time is a perfect fit. I grew up having big expectations of myself. I was told I could achieve anything with hard work, which it's kinda true.
However, motherhood is a complete change of lifestyle. It's not a new routine you feel like adding to your mornings because it feels cute. Even if you planned and prepared for it, you'll find that pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood are not like Pinterest presents it to you.
I've never been to war, but again I feel like it's a great comparison because you'll never come back from post pardum like your old self. Despite, the potential PTSD that comes with childbirth it is all worth it. Why?
You were made for this.
Your body was designed to go through such transformation.
So I suggest you show yourself grace and learn to honor the power you have that allows you to feel and express love during your darkest hours. It is during all the hours that feel like complete chaos, that's when you are growing into who are meant to become.
It is so unfair, I know!
But that's how I learned to trust where I set my feet down. Through the trenches of becoming a mother, I have learned to trust myself like no other.
There's no time to second guess yourself when gain responsibilities over someone else's life.
Don't worry. You'll find your footing as you climb this mountain and learn to flow with what comes at you because we aren't Navy Seals, we are mothers. That means turning children with no sense of self-control, limitations and fears into respectable adults.
On second thought, motherhood doesn't compare to Navy seal training.
It's much worse, in the best way possible.
It takes real insanity to do this over and over again with love in our eyes.
Conclusion
We made it to the other side though. My baby is now sixteen months and my confidence along with my mental health have recuperated. I will not always have the answer but I learned I can trust myself indefinitely.
This time when you think you are starting again, remember you've been here before. You've been through rebirth many times before.
To be a woman is to alchemize pain into pleasure.
It's not fair and I agree.
Yet, it would also be unfair to not see the beauty of being a woman and her magical ability to be reborn from the darkest of places. Now that I'm a mother I can't help but feel grateful for the transformation.
I did lose myself because I had a false sense of who I was.
I feel like I wasn't given all the instructions to the powers I possess. I knew the mechanisms and was aware of the miracle that it is but to carry a soul inside of you and then birth it and watch it grow will never not blow my mind. Being a woman will never not blow my mind.
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